Parenting is a Tough Job
by Edye Katz, TCEE Learning Specialist
Parenting is a tough job. It doesn’t matter how many children you have or what your experience is with children, every child is an individual with different needs. Our minds don’t shut off all of our responsibilities of a parent, and we often find ourselves obsessing over questions such as: “is my child on track?”, “do they have friends?”, or “are they learning and growing appropriately?” Since the pandemic, one of the biggest worries for parents has been “how is my child’s social and emotional development?” Social Emotional Development is a child’s ability to understand the feelings of others, control one’s own feelings and behavior, and build relationships with peers. These skills take time and practice to learn, which is why children’s learning at school encompasses social and emotional skills alongside more so-called academic skills such as reading and math.
Recently, many schools have been implementing Social Emotional Learning, SEL. According to the Collaborative for Academic, Social and Emotional Learning (CASEL) this curriculum has five integrated competencies, which are:
SELF-AWARENESS which is having a clear and accurate understanding of ourselves.
SELF-MANAGEMENT which is taking responsibility for our own choices to work towards goals.
SOCIAL AWARENESS which is understanding the social world, which includes reading social cues, developing empathy, and perspective taking.
RELATIONSHIPS where there are positive connections with others, including effective communication, using conflict resolution to problem solve and working with others.
DECISION-MAKING where we use strategic methods to make positive choices.
At school we use practical experiences such as working in small groups to practice some of these skills, as well as whole group discussions where we get to communicate with each other and learn more theories or meaning behind some of the social skills needed. As parents, we often put ourselves after our children, and our needs get pushed to the side. While children are learning and developing their social and emotional skills, it doesn’t just end once school is over. As adults we are also constantly learning new ideas and having more exposure to social situations, we still need to practice our own skills. As we are our child’s first teachers, we are continually learning about ourselves and others.
To be the best parents and best versions of ourselves, we also need to focus on our own self-care and growth. We too can benefit from social emotional learning (SEL). The highs and lows of parenting require our ability to manage our wide range of emotions, sometimes when we really don’t want too. There are times when I say to myself, “Why am I screaming at my son?” To manage my emotions effectively, I need to understand how I am feeling and how my thinking can influence my behavior.
According to The Child Mind Institute, “some social emotional learning at home can help parents understand how to manage their emotions and how they can better handle the emotional turmoil of parenting”.
Here are some ways for parents to practice SEL at home:
Pause- There are so many things going on in our heads that taking the time to stop and pause can allow us to take stock of what is happening and not let our emotions get the best of us. While the internet provides immediate gratification and things are happening at intense speeds, the way we get information is so fast that we often feel we need to keep up with that speed.
Practice self-soothing- Being able to have some tools in your pocket to combat stress. The more senses that we use the better. For instance, a hug from a loved one, listening to our favorite music, or exercising are all ways to take stress out of your life.
Be compassionate with yourself- The external pressure we feel from others about our parenting sometimes causes us to take our children’s behaviors personally. I often blame myself for my child’s tantrum, feeling that “if I only did this or that would he have behaved differently?”. We need to recognize that we cannot control everything or everyone. Everyone makes mistakes and we need to be kind to ourselves.
Presence isn’t the same as being present- Try to dedicate time to put away screens, phone calls, and any other distractions and be in the moment with your family.
Commit acts of kindness to others-In order to improve our physical and mental well-being, acts of kindness can show us how powerful these connections can be.
Helping rather than hovering- We can model appropriate behaviors by giving children the room to practice and make mistakes.
Labeling our own emotions- Providing children with examples of how to interpret body language, facial expressions, and understand social cues from others.
These are just a few ways to incorporate best practices at home for you and your children. I have included a book list that divides up children’s books into ages and subject matter, such as celebrating differences, understanding different feelings and exploring family relationships. Please feel free to reach out to me or your child’s teacher if you want more information about any of these topics or support with navigating any of these situations at home.